On Fame, Loneliness, Pain and Desire for Love

"I wasn't aware that the world thought I was so weird and bizarre. But when you grow up, like I did, in front of 100 million people since the age of 5, you're automatically different."

Michael Jackson - Grammy Legend Award speech, 35th Annual Grammy Awards, 1993
 

"It's easier for me to stay at home and dream or write songs. When I'm on stage, I relax like some people do with sports. I also love to dance. Some people like talking as a form of communication, but I prefer to talk through dancing. I often feel embarrassed and shy when it comes to speaking. Being successful for a long time hasn't made me any less of a shy person. I can sing a song about starting something with "P.Y.T." But in real life I'm too shy to make the first move. That's the magic of music. It speaks in a way that words cannot. " 

Michael Jackson in 1983

"I don´t reall have Holywood friends. I have a few. (...) I don´t think that they are all real people. They love the limelight and I don´t have anything common with them. They want to go clubbing and afterwards they want to sit around and drink hard liquors and do marijuana and do all kinds of crazy things that I wouldn´t do. We have nothing in common."

Michael Jackson

"Success definitely brings on loneliness. People thinks that you are lucky, that you have everything. They think you can go anywhere and do anything, but that´s not the point. One hunger´s for the basic stuff."

Michael Jackson

"People think they know me, but they don't. Not really. Actually, I am one of the loneliest people on this earth. I cry sometimes, because it hurts. It does. To be honest, I guess you could say that it hurts to be me."

Michael Jackson

"I put a lot of mannequins in my room in the past. I still have mannequins in my room, because I used to be very lonely. Painfully lonely. So lonely. You have no idea. I used to walk the streets looking for people to talk to. I'm talking about the height of one's career. "Off the Wall," "Bad", "Thriller," and people...I would walk up to them, strangers, and say 'Will you be my friend?' They'd go 'Oh my God, it's Michael Jackson!' That's now what I wanted. I wanted somebody to love you or be my friend for me and not for the external me."

Michael Jackson

"Michael is a Jehovah’s Witness and believes in his religion but he’s not a fanatic. He’s a very warm, loving person who needs lots of affection. He often says to me, “With all the hit records and millions and millions rolling in, there comes a time when you’ve got to say, I’m a person as well. I’m a human being, just like everyone else and I want to enjoy myself. It’s great entertaining people and giving them joy and love, but what about the Michael inside?”

Jermain Jackson, Michael´s brother in 1984

Two Birds

It's hard to tell them what I feel for you. They haven't ever met you, and no one has your picture. So how can they ever understand your mystery? Let's give them a clue:

Two birds sit in a tree. One eats cherries, while the other looks on. Two birds fly through the air. One's song drops like crystal from the sky while the other keeps silent. Two birds wheel in the sun. One catches the light on its silver feathers, while the other spreads wings of invisibility.

It's easy to guess which bird I am, but they'll never find you. Unless...

Unless they already know a love that never interferes, that watches from beyond, that breathes free in the invisible air. Sweet bird, my soul, your silence is so precious. How long will it be before the world hears your song in mine?

Oh, that is a day I hunger for!

Michael Jackson in his book "Dancing The Dream"

"Know what I also love? Mannequins. I guess I want to bring them to life. I like to imagine talking to them. You know what I think it is? Yeah, I think I'll say it. I think I'm accompanying myself with friends I never had. I probably have two friends. And I just got them. Being an entertainer, you just can't tell who is your friend. And they see you so differently. A star instead of a next-door neighbor. That's what it is. I surround myself with people I want to be my friends. And I can do that with mannequins. I'll talk to them."

Michael Jackson

"Even as a young teenager, Michael found it difficult to express the way he felt, especially if his opinions would cause unpleasantness or pain. But he did make statements from time to time that clued me in to his true feelings[..]"

Rebbie Jackson, oldest sister, in book My Family, The Jackson's

"Sometimes it's hard for me to look my dates in the eye even if I know them well. My dating and relationships with girls have not had the happy ending I've been looking for. Something always seems to get in the way. The things I share with millions of people aren't the sort of things you share with one. Many girls want to know what makes me tick - why I live the way I live or do the things I do - trying to get inside my head. They want to rescue me from loneliness, but they do it in such a way that they give me the impression they want to share my loneliness, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, because I believe I'm one of the loneliest people in the world.

"She's Out of My Life" is about knowing that the barriers that have separated me from others are temptingly low and seemingly easy to jump over
and yet they remain standing while what I really desire disappears from my sight.....

But I got too wrapped up in "She's Out of My Life." In this case, the story's true - I cried at the end of a take, because the words suddenly had such a strong effect on me. I had been letting so much build up inside me. I was twenty-one years old, and I was so rich in some experiences while being poor in moments of true joy. Sometimes I imagine that my life experience is like an image in one of those trick mirrors in the circus, fat in one part and thin to the point of disappearing in another. I was worried that would show up on "She's Out of My Life," but if it touched people's heartstrings, knowing that would make me feel less lonely.

When I got emotional after that take, the only people with me were Q and Bruce Swedien. I remember burying my face in my hands and hearing only the hum of the machinery as my sobs echoed in the room. Later I apologised, but they said there was no need.

Making Off the Wall was one of the most difficult periods of my life, despite the eventual success it enjoyed. I had very few close friends at the time and felt very isolated. I was so lonely that I used to walk through my neighborhood hoping I'd run into somebody I could talk to and perhaps become friends with. I wanted to meet people who didn't know who I was. I wanted to run into somebody who would be my friend because they liked me and needed a friend too, not because I was who I am. I wanted to meet anybody in the neighbourhood - the neighbourhood kids, anybody."

Michael Jackson

"He’s always saying to me that there is a beautiful woman. He and I talk about him not having many dates and it’s because he doesn’t know if they are interested in his money and celebrity or whether they have a genuine interest in him. He’s a romantic.”

Rabbi Schmuley on Howard Stein, April 6th, 2001
 

"I am going to say something I have never said before and this is the truth. I have no reason to lie to you and God knows I am telling the truth. I think all my success and fame and I have wanted it, I have wanted it because I wanted to be loved. That’s all. That’s the real truth. I wanted people to love me, truly love me, because I never really felt loved. I said I know I have an ability. Maybe if I sharpened my craft, maybe people will love me more. I just wanted to be loved because I think it is very important to be loved and to tell people that you love them and to look in their eyes and say it."

Michael Jackson in conversation with Rabbi Schmuley Boteach

Someone Put Your Hand Out
 

Q: If you could change one thing about your life, what would you change?"

Michael Jackson: I would like to be able to go out in public and just be normal sometime, without people recognizing who I am, and to get a little bit of a feeling of what it's like to, you know, be of the regular norm. To see how things are done; to learn what people speak about when they're just casually talking. Cause soon as they see it's Michael Jackson, the conversation changes; it all becomes about me and not about the situation -- the moment, that's happening at the moment. That would... I would learn a lot from that. I don't get to see that unless I disguise myself and put on a lot of things, and then they stare at me, then it's even different; it's not the same even then. So, it's a difficult thing to pull off.

Michael Jackson, online audio chat (Oct 26th 2001)

Phone conversation between MJ and Glenda Stein from June 1992 (during rehearsals for the Dangerous World Tour)

It´s a personal stuff which doesn´t belong to public. But it´s already spread out, because it was recorded and published by Glenda´s husband. That´s why you can read it  here.

(...)

G: How come people are so protective of you, Michael? You know you have a lot of people who really love you and want whats best for you, you’re not alone.
MJ: It doesn’t matter, I make my own choices and my own decisions.
G: Tell me something, you know what? You told me before that you’re the loneliest person.
MJ: I am!
G: Then how can you be that way when there are so many people…
MJ: Because I don’t love those people like that! I want to be with someone…I want to know what a relationship is all about before I die, can’t you understand that girl? I never had… I mean I’ve been with Tate… I’ve been, well not with… I been with Tate. I thought I was with Diana… that was just in my own mind.
G: You were a little boy.
MJ: I know, I have never had a real relationship, my brothers have been married… My brothers have had girlfriends I really haven’t had that.
G: How long did it take you to get over Diana?
MJ: Years… A hell of a long time. I just wanna know what it’s like, girl, to have a real relationship with someone who doesn’t want me for me. That I don’t, I don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time.
G: That doesn’t have an ulterior motive?
MJ: Yeah, that doesn’t question me. I mean… (i) I don’t… and, and.. like La Toya said in her book… she said, either I am going to have to find somebody who doesn’t even know who the heck I am…
G: (i)
MJ: Orrr..oorr deal with somebody whose career is equally as important, or equally like mine.
G: Well.. a nix to both of those.
MJ: What am I gonna do… I don’t want to die without knowing about… having a real relationship with a women or being involved… I don’t… I was involved but we never did anything… we never really had sex…
G: But that was your decision, that wasn’t her’s, I mean.
MJ: But, yeah, but girl, girlfriend had my nose wide open, okay? You could drive a truck through my nose.
G: Laughs…That is the craziest expression. How did they come up with that? I am just wondering who thought of it. I don’t understand how your nose can be wide open.
MJ: I don’t know
G: But it had to come from somewhere and I just wanted to the people who made it up.
G: It’s the craziest expression I have ever heard
MJ: It’s a black thing
G: ( Laughing) Black thing? What is it with your nose? I can’t understand how your nose can be wide open?
MJ: I don’t know..(whispers – It’s just, it’s personal)
G: I mean it had to come from somewhere. Somebody had to have made it up and I was wondering what they were thinking when they made it up?
MJ: It’s a black secret.
G: Okay Laughing
MJ: So I loved her so much… God.
G: So was that the first time…
MJ: No, no (whispers) (it was in her bedroom?)
G: Where did Tatum and that… what was that other girls…
MJ: Tate… I dealt with Tate when I was a little bit younger. She came up to me in a club, we were in a club (she came up to me?) and she put her hand on mind and I couldn’t believe it

(break in tape)

{This is obvious the poster of these audios was throwing us off. They skip from talking about Tatum O’Neal to this woman] [Glenda laughing, now they are talking about someone else]
MJ: …anything. I would give her money, I would give her jewelry, I would give her a house, a car, whatever… I was never good enough. It was like… you know…
G: Well she wanted all of you Michael… she wanted a relationship
MJ: She knew how I was from the beginning. It wasn’t like she didn’t.
G: Well, she was probably hoping then that it would change
MJ: But, not until I got married
G: Well I know that… and I’m sure that she loved you… and when you have been with somebody for that many years.
MJ: I loved her so much… I didn’t want to see that. I did not want to see that.and I knew she was fooling around. I know, girl. I know it for a fact.
G: Don’t you think that attracted you to the fact that she was such a strong person and she stood up for you against your dad and she was always there? Wasn’t that a lot of the attraction?
MJ: Yeah
G: Because she’s older than you huh?
MJ: Well yeah…
G: (beep sound) That you were drawn to that.
MJ: Yeah I was.
G: (I)
MJ: And I was so in love and I had my nose wide open and I didn’t want to believe what was really going on. (Tape cut) It didn’t matter she was (Tape cut) (I), but, that’s another story. (I) And it was a good thing that it was finally over.
G: You don’t have any regrets?
MJ: No, uh uh, I don’t regret that I didn’t sleep with her. I’m glad I didn’t. (I)….
G: Yeah, that’s a long story.
MJ: I didn’t. I wish it changed but I haven’t experienced it before, ever… having a relationship like that before, I never… Being in a normal…having a relationship with someone (I) I never had that.
G: Well, I think everybody wants too…
MJ: But, I haven’t.
G: Okay
MJ: And that’s what I want. I know I’m not going to be here very long or whatever.
G: I hope it will be years…
MJ: What?
G: How long do you think you will be here?
MJ: You can’t ask me, I don’t know, what kind of question is that I don’t know.
G: You don’t have any ideas?
MJ: I don’t know… I mean, you could come up with all kind of statistics and facts and die!
G: But you said you think (I) Now? (I)
MJ: Well you know, like Melissa told me today… and she was right… she said like, “I want to see you I want to spend time with you before you leave. I don’t care what the circumstances are.” Because she knows my situation now, and she’s like, “I don’t care, whatever you want. But I don’t know if I will ever see you again,” and stuff… she was honest enough, I mean, she told me…
G: She sounds very good.
MJ: It doesn’t matter with her no matter what, you know?
G: She sounds very nice. She sounds very good.
MJ: I don’t want to die not having like, a relationship like everybody else around me have had… I don’t want to die.
G: I know, I think that to accept you…
MJ: For someone to accept me, and I’ve never experienced that, for someone to accept me totally, no matter what.
G: That’s hard to find Michael.
MJ: I don’t have time to wait.
G: You’re pushing 34 my dear. (Laughing)
MJ: Yeah and I have never had that. I’ve never had that kind of relationship. Like I’m alone (Tape cut). Everyone else I know have had it. But, I never have.
G: Well, I guess it’s time you get it.
MJ: I know it is. (Tape Cut)… I trusted her. Even though we had fallen in love (even though we had a little falling out?). I ruin my own relationships. Agree?
G: You do!
MJ: Oh, I won’t do that. I don’t know how I’m gonna get it (I)
G: You sabotage your own relationships.
MJ: Well, I won’t do it.
(Tape cut)
G: Because it sounds like she loved you
MJ: Yeah (I) What?
G: That will be very sad!
(tape cut)
MJ: Don’t know what I’m gonna do
(tape cut)
G: I think it is important that you hold on to everything that you hold dear.
MJ: What?
G: I think that it is important that you hold on to everything that you hold dear
MJ: (Tape cut) (I hold on to a lot of things?)
G: (I) everything that you hold dear?
MJ: You know what I want
G: Isn’t that right?
MJ: Yeah I do and it hurts me (I) since people and situations and stuff (tape cut) But, I’m sure, I’m sure about it
G: You have a lot of people that love you very much…you do…
MJ: I have a lot of people that I don’t know what’s going on,
G: About you? And you don’t want them to, But you have to hold those people dear, don’t let them go, don’t hold them, open doors.
MJ: But at least I have with some of my brothers (I) involved (trust them?)….
G: That’s good.That’s very good. Because I know you’ve been through a lot (I) Do you figure you’ll be able to do that?
 

Transcripts from: rhythmofthetide.com/category/glenda-tapes/

How Does It Feel?

"When I´m on stage, I feel comfortable. That is because there are always hunderts of thousand people that come to see me and my show and that is one of the greatest emotion a human being can feel, I think. I feel their love and I love them dearly... not only my fans, but all people. 

Altough you are a very popular person, you have success and you are known around the world, there are times in which you feel very lonely. Very cold inside. Your mind and your soul is freezing. I am crying a lot. Especially when you know that there is so much love in the world, and there are moments in which you just can´t reach out. You are lonely and left outside alone.

In 1994 I wrote "Stranger In Moscow" - a soong about a very difficult period in my life. It was difficult not only because of what was going on actually, but I was very lonely for a very long time. I was freezing.

I was wandering in the rain

Mask of life, feelin´ insane

Swift and sudden fall from grace

Sunny days seems far away

Kremlin´s shadow belittlin´ me

Stalin´s tomb won´t let me be

On an on and on it came

Wish the rain just let me

How does it feel?

When you´re alone

And you´re cold inside

Here abandoned in my fame

Armagedon of the brain

KGB was doggin´ me

Take my name and just let me be

Then a begger boy called my name

Happy days will drown the pain

On an on an on it came

And again, and again, and again...

Always love, Michael Jackson

From his official photobook My World

Nate Giorgio, artist, who painted many paintings for MJ

Song Price of Fame with Lyrics:

Shmuley Boteach:  Let me ask you about loneliness. So wherever you travel, you, thank God, have an entourage. People you've been with for a long time, Frank and Skip [Michael's bodyguard at the time, a very pleasant and decent man from new Orleans]. But it's still not like having a wife in your life or something. Do you get lonely? Or is there so much going on in your life that it doesn't really happen?

Michael Jackson: Like lonely for like a wife? For a mate? Like that?

SB:  Yeah.

MJ:  I've been through two bad divorces and I just got out of the second one.  Even when married to those women that I was married to, I'd go to bed hurting. I was crying last night as I went to sleep and I didn't sleep good last night. And I cry, Shmuley, because I feel this... and I'm not trying, I'm telling you the honest truth and if you don't believe me you can ask Frank (Cascio). Frank knew how I was hurting. I just was feeling all the pain of the children who suffer and I was hurting so much. That´s why I was trying to reach any child I knew who had pain, from (Michael mentions a little girl who was battling cancer and whose family he met at our home) to Gavin )Michael´s later accuser). I was trying to like, calling, dialing and I woke up the first thing, the first person I called was (the little girl´s) house and she was gone already. It hurts me. But I thing that´s where my real love comes from, Schmuley. If I can help in that way, I´m fine and I don´t need the other (romantic love). You know if I meet some girl somewhere and I think she´s beautiful, which I see a lot of them, that´s great. I mean, I´ll go on a date or something. Nothing wrong with that. Jennifer Lopez looked awfully good the other day, she did. I was shocked, ´cause I never thought... She looked good. (Michael laughs as he says this.)

SB: But have you given on women understanding you? You tend to think children will understand you a lot better?

MJ:  I'm not easy to live with in that way for a wife. I'm not easy and I know I'm not easy. Because I give all my time to someone else. I give it to children, I give it to somebody sick somewhere, to the music. And women want to be the center. And I remember Lisa Marie would always say to me, "I'm not a piece of furniture, I'm not a piece of furniture. You just can't..." I say, "I don't want you to be a piece of furniture," and, you know, there´d be some sick little girls calling on the phone and she´d get mad and hang up on them. And, you know, I feel that´s my, that´s my mission, Schmuley. I have to do it.